People often ask me how I got so good looking. And by good looking I mean funny. The truth is it takes years and years of making comments at inappropriate times, avoiding your feelings, and the sheer desire to not get punched in the face by a bully to harbor the level of jokes I have in my rolodex. For you younger kids just replace rolodex with floppy disks and you’ll know what I mean. It may seem as though stuff constantly comes off the top of my noodle, and often it does, but as my wife can attest a lot of my jokes are recycled OR have been, what I call, “sitting in my back pocket”, for months and even sometimes years awaiting for the exact moment in which to be told. Confusing? Let me walk you through the process.
I may be watching something on TV and a commercial comes on. Let’s say the State Farm commercial with Cheryl where she sees her shed on fire and says, “Someone has burned my she shed”. I roll my eyes and then say, “Pffff. Cheryl’s She Shed? More like Helen’s Hag hut”. Then I laugh and laugh but no one else is there to laugh. I know that commercial will come up again later so I pocket it for just the right time. In this case, preferably when watching a sporting event with friends. Anywho, that’s how it works.
But you might not have time to conjure up and remember all these jokes. Or you are already emotionally dead inside and you missed the boat on making jokes. I got you covered. Here are a few I go to in regular rotation. Word of caution though, people will put up with hearing some jokes twice but any more than that and they may call you out, which kills the joke immediately for new people that are hearing it.
1) BARELY KNEW HER. this is used whenever something is said that ends in -ER or -HER that could be misconstrued as something inappropriate. I’d give examples but if you listen to the show this is what we silently say whenever Brent or I say something like. “Washer?” in a surprised tone. Then there’s a pause and we laugh.
2) WHAT WAS THAT? Okay I can’t stress this enough. Whenever anyone in any situation, especially a doctor, mentions hearing loss or something about being deaf. Your immediate response is WHAT WAS THAT? Now they will absolutely 100% repeat themselves. When they do, you respond I’M SORRY? And you grab your ear. That’s when they get it. This one usually brings home some good laughs.
3) HI MY NAME IS JEREMY L AND I’VE BEEN SOBER NOW 6 DAYS. Full disclosure this is hit or miss. My wife and Brent have both tried it to mix results. Whenever you must introduce yourself to a group always lead with this. If you don’t get laughs don’t worry. You will when you tell the story to people later on.
4) THAT’S FROM ALL OF US. Whenever a gift is given from one person to someone else. Immediately follow it with this sentence. To really sell it, walk towards the person receiving the gift with open arms and get that hug. The person who actually bought it isn’t going to call you out so you’ll likely get credit. And if it’s obvious that you had nothing to do with it, people will really laugh hard.
5) DEPENDS ON WHO’S BUYING. Almost always at the doctor’s office. But use this whenever anyone asks if you drink alcohol.
6) I HAVE A LONG DRIVE HOME. I’ve used this twice. It’s worked once and almost got me arrested once. If you are ever buying more than enough alcohol for one person (think 3 bottles of wine or 3 cases of beer) and the cashier says anything about it. You immediately say this. Here’s an example: “3 bottles of wine huh? You have a party tonight?” “Me? Nah. I just have a long drive home”. Also, you can always switch this up with “Oh I don’t know. It’s not for me. It’s for some kid outside that gave me $40 bucks”.
So there you have it. 6…maybe 4 sure fire winner jokes for your mental floppy disk. I can’t guarantee they will work because timing and delivery is everything. I wouldn’t recommend using ‘that’s from all of us’ when someone gives another person flowers at a wake. So be aware of your surroundings. Happy joking!
