I, and I’m hopeful you, picture The Cable Guy whenever you think of Medieval Times. “They had no utensils but they had Pepsi?”. Great scene and unlike most movie depictions that involve sporting events, accurately done. I have personally been to Medieval Times in Kissimmee, Florida at least 5 times that I can think of. When I was in middle school we took a trip there. Well…my classmates did. My parents couldn’t afford it at the time. But we eventually went when I was in late middle school / early high school as part of a staycation (before that term was used) that included the Titanic exhibit (see my dad’s Florida Is Sinking episodes for that full story) and some other Orlando based places that I don’t remember. Either way we loved it. We had the green knight and his name in real life was Jeremy. And he was a bit of a Rockstar to a 14 year old squire such as myself.
I enjoyed it so much so that I chose to go there for my 18th birthday with a couple of select friends, Taylor and Chris. My dad had some dental work done so if you are ever fortunate enough to see the picture, his face is all swollen like he told my mom the dinner was cold and she gave him the what for. I went back years later again with my friend Carlos who had never been. If you don’t know, they announce your color knight in order for you to enter the arena. On that trip we started a boo that resonated throughout the kingdom for all the losers that weren’t our red and yellow knight. Who by the way went on to win! I currently hold an 80% win ratio at Medieval Times which is pretty darn good. Anywho, in 2014 myself, my lady fair, the court jester (Brent), and his wench (Jenny) went for a Valentine’s Day jaunt and it was nothing short of amazing. The show itself was top notch and I have no complaints but the experience was a catastrophe the size of the black plague.
They offered 2 tickets, 2 champagne flutes, 2 roses and a picture as part of the deal. We got there, took our pictures and enjoyed the show. It wasn’t until afterwards that the chaos ensued. The good people at Medieval Times never thought past taking the picture. More importantly, they never thought of who they were taking a picture of (Or is it, of whom they were taking a picture?). No name, no number assigned to the photo, no seating arrangement, nothing. So at the end of the show they had literally 2,000 people with pitch forks shouting at the staff for their photos. After a while some squire looking around pouring sweat under his jester cap just shouted, “Umm….does this look like anyone near you?” and holds up a photo. That’s when the manure hit the candled chandelier. People in short sleeve plaid Atticus shirts were yelling at the king. The queen was being accosted by some dude wearing an Under Armor shirt and sandals. The entire place was about to collapse under its misfortune when someone…probably Merlin, had a great idea.
“Okay everybody. We are going to take your names and addresses and we will send you the photos.” I told my wife bullet dodged and moved over to the line to give my address. She grabbed my arm and said, “How will they know who you are to send you our photo?” we both laughed. We just sat and watched as the minutes ticked by until I was able to nab my pic.
It was a debacle that created a story that will spread the length of the seven kingdoms I’m sure. We still laugh about it once in a while. The capper of the night came as we were leaving. Some dude with his wife holding him back was staring the king down, gripping his two champagne flutes, 2 roses and clutching the pictures of him and his lady fair sitting on the fake throne as he spat at the king, “You ruined our Valentine’s Day!” to which the king replied, “A thousand apologies”.
